Surprisingly...

I’m ready for a relationship again. It’s been over a year since the divorce.

Marriage? NOT, but I don’t rule it out. It’s 3 to 50 steps beyond meeting someone I’m interested in. And, let’s say I’m at step 1, but still open.

I stopped in to see Pastor Doug yesterday. Doug, a former college football player who has fathered 2 sons and has had a long, REAL marriage with ups and downs, has counseled probably 100s of couples who were either planning on getting married or – the greater number by far – thinking of ending their marriage.

He has counseled me for almost three years. Now we just talk or visit occasionally. But I want to pass this along because Doug has an encouraging way of avoiding the use of a cattle prod and you still come away motivated and wanting to improve yourself as a person, spouse, father.

Marriage dynamics are like two rods (not Blagojevich, more like “lightning”), parallel to each other, that keep moving in relation to one another. This is my analogy, based on what Doug and I were talking about. Each rod has two ends and a definite middle. Those three points are like volume knobs on a radio. They are also the dynamics of assertion in a relationship (bingo).

What Doug said, and I’ve found personally, is that marriage needs to be in flux. If it is in flux around both middle points, then neither is dominating and neither is afraid to speak their mind. The midpoint is the strength point where you’re not overly aggressive, nor are you keeping all of your feelings in and you wind up being a victim.

Out of hand, or if one rod stops (gives in, gives up), the other one can become not only dominating, but abusive, especially if one spouse does not have the backbone to stand up and speak his/her mind. The dynamic is then gone and enter, all sorts of problems, which all too often end the marriage.

Lesson learned: If you can stay in that middle, the two ends tend to drop off and you are neither victim, nor abuser. Call it becoming whole. I call it having the resources to function as a human being. It’s a great feeling of achievement. And to a spouse or relationship pardner, it is nothing but nurturing. If two can function this way, or keep the dynamics in flux, you’ve got a good one! Think about marriage if you’ve got that – it’s a blessing.

True: Played a club with the big band last year. Our lead singer, a fantastic voice and personality, spotted a pretty, young lady – long, blonde hair, red sweater, petite. He got her up on the floor and danced with her, while he sang. I’m in the back, behind the drummer (I play guitar). The singer knows me well and what’s gone on in my life these last few years, so when the song was finished, he asked the girl if she was single. Yes. He goes, how about Randy? He just got divorced.

Well, chiseled looks, no. And no motorcycle. But I still get looks. The young lady took a look in my direction, a good look, turned to the singer (who was holding the mic in front of her) and said, “How much money does he have?”

She needs to ask a musician that?